sickdayismysalvation

I started Institute in July and started Teaching right after it ended in August. I've been playing grown up for almost six months and today is my first mental health day. You know you've reached a new low when you are caught crying your eyes out after school by 8 staff members and you just can't stop. Then, I came home and cried some more.

My philly biffle and I often joke that we are both in abusive relationships with all of our students. You go to work every day and invest all you have into your students, but in return you get beaten and abused (I hope you understand this is metaphorical). Then, after an 11 hour day you go home and continue to work and your mind wanders to a place where you tell yourself that tomorrow will definitely be better. But it's not. The worst part about all of this is that you begin to replay the days events looking for things you did wrong, making excuses for the way you have been treated.

So then I ask myself, if I believe everybody should be strong enough to remove themselves from abusive situations, why do I stay? I finally understand, you can't help who you care deeply for, and matters of the heart cannot be nursed.

At 10 pm last night I caved, called my principal, and said I needed a sick day. This day is saving me.

Breathe.

Rome was not built in a day. Remember this.

Being a middle school special education teacher in a turnaround school (one which ranked in the top ten worst elementary schools in the whole state of Pennsylvania last year) in a neighborhood listed as one of the top 25 most dangerous neighborhoods in the country is challenging for a plethora of reasons.

As a brand new adult I have made it a priority to become solutions oriented. Thus, with this mindset, I constantly think about what I can do to fight/combat the forces that have worked and currently work against my students. It has been four months and I am still asking myself this question.

Today, in the midst of a mental and emotional breakdown (as a result of receiving some pretty tragic test scores), a very good friend looks at me and says "breathe. Rome was not built in a day."

thankyou.