Two Years Ago.

This past Wednesday was the second deadline to join Teach For America's 2013 corp. This time two years ago, I submitted my application to join the 2011 corp. It's crazy how time has gone by, so much time that I have forgotten what was going through my mind during the application process. I went back to find my letter of intent and it brought back a rush of emotion- and it makes me giggle. While there are parts of me that, in retrospect, that are embarrassed by my 2010 overly zealous idealism, I am reminded of the big picture and how I ended up here.

Dear Teach For America Selection Committee:

I am sensitive to everything from words to worldviews, and people often ask me why I care. I have been a third culture kid my entire life, born and raised American, but living oversees. I have always been the majority, and I have never known what it is like to not live comfortably. Privilege has worked in my favor, but I know that my privilege is only privilege because it does not work in the favor of thousands of others. When people ask me why I care, I ask them why they don’t. 

Syracuse University consists of a privileged demographic. I know how blessed I am to be here. What I don’t know is how it’s possible that one of the top 10 impoverished areas in the country resides about five miles away, in the west side of Syracuse.

Last semester I worked with Blodgett School, located in the west side, in a building that was being condemned. Blodgett serves the highest percentage of pupils living in poverty in Syracuse, and the building was so far gone that it was deemed unsafe for students. Instead of renovating, governing powers wanted to shut Blodgett down. After seeing this first hand, how could I not care?

I learned how to care by always being cared for, and I care because in any situation, it could be me. People have always told me it’s a waste of time to care about problems that I can’t fix, but the disparity in education exists in my community, so it is my problem. The students at Blodgett School have just as much right to an education as I do. In a country as developed as ours, there is no excuse for the achievement gap in our education system. It is a problem that is now our problem.

As a Teach For America teacher I will care about my students. I will care for their well- being and I will care for the quality of education they will receive. I will provide the support my students will need to succeed, and I will challenge them to set goals and expectations for themselves. Students need to see how their education relates to the real world, and I will be that connection. Good teachers are teachers all the time, not only in the classroom. Outside of the classroom I will ensure that the structure and what is being taught in the classroom is reinforced at home.  I will work with parents, administration and the community to create a culture of support and empowerment of learning.

I am prepared to take on the responsibility of eliminating the achievement gap in our education system. I believe that Teach for America corps have the incredible opportunity to open unimaginable doors to students that transform their lives, and it is an opportunity that I will give my students. Teach for America corps care just as much as I do about the education of our children, and I am ready to join this team.

Sincerely,

Elyssa Yuen

"Here's to being the right people, in the right place, at the right time."

year two here i come!

After seven flights and five countries, my summer has officially come to a close and I just completed my first week at school- getting ready for our kids who show up next week. Last November I didn't know if I'd make it through Christmas, in February I wasn't sure if I'd make it through the end of the year and in June I couldn't believe the summer had finally arrived. Now, I couldn't be more excited to start the school year.

This year I have moved from teaching a self- contained seventh and eighth grade special education class to Kindergarten, First and Second grade special education support. I feel like I've come full circle- when I started this journey I spent my summer learning to be a teacher by teaching a class full of crazy kinders, and nobody could or would have guessed that I'd ACTUALLY end up working with itty bitty kiddos in this region.

Two days until we have kids in the building!

 {@ all mastery day with some of my favs}

{my new classroom....

there may or may not be three giant sized industrial kitchen products}

"Welcome Home"

"We are not here to save, we are here to serve." I am officially one year out of college and can now say I have lived a year as a working adult. Since is the first time I've been home since I joined the corp I have been asked countless times over the past few weeks what is is I do and how I feel about it. Every time someone asks me a question of this sort I never quite know how to respond. Sometimes, it's because I don't want to burden people with my experience (knowing they aren't interested), but most of the time it's because I am unsure of how to articulate what it is I do accurately. What I can say is that everything we do as corp members is driven by the fact that we care an incredible amount for our kids, we fight for their well being and we work fiercely for them. We aren't here to save our students (despite the conception many have of corp members), we're here to serve. 

*Dr. Camika Royal delivered an address at Teach For America's opening ceremonies six weeks ago at the Philadelphia Institute.

best pieces of advice of the year

The top 3 lessons/pieces of advice given to me this year:

1. "hang in there. it'll all be okay. take it a little less seriously than you think you should and you will still be taking it seriously enough and you will be much happier as a result. there are just more winners that way. work hard. do your best. realize that there is a limit to this. then make time for friends. drink with them. it seems simple but its actually quite comprehensive and you'll know you're there when you find yourself caring and working fiercely for your kids and as you are doing so, not forgetting to do the same for yourself. and finally, it's never your fault except for when it is, so stop feeling guilty." -- because of this, i took part of my life back

2. "embrace your city" -- simple, but transformational

3. "men aren't worth anything till they're thirty" -- from a friends' step father, it brought us much laughter

yearonedone.

This time last year I moved to Philly to begin my journey as a first year corp member. I was a bright eyed post undergrad idealist, excited about joining this movement.

Nothing could have prepared me for what was to come. I taught kindergarten kiddos for six weeks and began my teaching career teaching 3rd and 4th grade sped students. I was then moved to teach middle school sped math, high school sped biology and then to a collapsed self-contained class of middle schoolers. This year seemed unbearable at times and I most definitely could not see the end of the tunnel, but we made it, and I have never felt more accomplished.

In the past year I have learned to drive, teach and be a grad "student". I began my love affair with coffee and power naps. I've cried more times this year than I'd like to remember. I was hit in the face by issues revolving around poverty, race and class and have fallen in love with kids that have experienced life far beyond their years. I have met the most incredible, compassionate and intelligent people- I've been inspired.

purple monday

I have never been good with time and I cannot construct realistic time frames for any facet of my life. As a result- this past week felt like the longest week of my life. Up until this point in my life I would have already been enjoying my summer. FINALLY, finally, I have reached my LAST full instructional week of my first year of teaching.

{one iep, one behavior plan, one final, one sixteen page paper and seven more days of teaching}

{currently living for wednesday sips}

{clearly we're serious about purple monday}

Last week I had my kiddos write about their strengths. In attempts of teaching them to self-reflect, I had them respond to the prompt "If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?"

I of course modeled this by writing about wanting to decrease my stubbornness. Most kids wrote about their attitude and temper, and then there's a kid (lets call him  V) who writes about wanting to hate me forever. Clearly our relationship is really positive right now...

The joys of teaching.

sacrifice

Expectations lead to disappointment, and being disappointed is comparable to heartbreak (at the least in the overly-dramatic sense). In Paris I experienced extreme happiness, I'd come close to even saying joy. I have to interject by saying that I'm not miserable, but until Paris, I didn't truly understand how tired I was and how much personal happiness lacked from my life. While in Paris I caught a mild cold, developed a pretty serious sinus infection and by the time I landed and returned to work the next day, I could not hear out of my left ear. Despite this, I was so happy- so happy to have been able to experience Paris with one of my greatest friends.

It took a measly two days to remember why doing the work that so many of us do makes us burn out. I care deeply for my students and essentially have invested the past eight months of my life to them. As a result, I very fairly have certain expectations of them. I know they do and will continue to make poor choices and talk back and waste my time, but at the end of the day I expect them to at least respect the space we have all worked together to build.

I've had posturing and fights in my room and school before, but I did not realize that I hadn't seen a real real fight. That is, until this past Thursday, when two of my boys truly fought. I cried (in front of my children mind you) out of shock, disappointment and fright- to see two of my children engage in that type of way brought me back to reality. All of us in this field sacrifice our happiness because there's something wrong when students stand and watch two of their peers fight without a care in the world and their teacher cries.

too.good.to.be.true.

For the past couple of weeks I can honestly say that I've come close to a work life balance. I've been co-teaching with a great friend and teacher and it has been incredible. I had come to a point where I wasn't spending an exuberant amount of time making work packets and stressing over my classroom management. My students' behavior has been improving and I had blocks of class that were completely silent as they listened and followed instruction. Co-teaching has done wonders for my children.

In the middle of her goodbye party I was experiencing severe heat flashes. I turn to our school social worker and say "Is it just me or is it terribly hot in here?"...she responds by saying "That is your feeling of panic".

yup.

panic.

As of Monday, I will be teaching a self-contained class of seventh and eighth graders. alone.

My caseload just doubled and I now teach two more subjects.

yup.

panic.

Dying of the cutes

This past Tuesday, my students were pulled individually by the social worker and school counselor for the purposes of being told that I was leaving to teach at big G and that they would be shifting into a new classroom environment. A student who I'll call Sav (who may or may not be my favorite) was told last Friday because we know from past experiences that Sav needs a little longer to process things. Since hearing the news, Sav has said (with the exception of two things) absolutely nothing to me, will not look at me, and refuses to let me even sit next to him. The two things he has said to me have been 'get outta my face' (which took place yesterday) and 'never' in response to me asking him "Sav, are you ever going to speak to me again" ?

Today was an exceptionally bad day for Sav. He was mildly explosive which is completely out of character and was pulled for discipline by an administrator. Our social worker intervened and has been working/seeing him multiple times a day in attempt to figure out why Sav is so upset and why he has been acting out. Today he told her that he has been so devastated with the idea of me going to big G because he is concerned with my safety. He said "Ms. G they aren't going to treat her right over there. They're like grown ups over there and they be real bad and they can hurt her"

The school social worker told me at 2:30 today that I was going to die from the cutes after what she was about to tell me. It's true, I'm STILL dying of the cutes. (Also, he is apparently co-chairing my going away party, which the social worker says is necessary and therapeutic for our kids, where Sav will still probably not talk to me).

Dear God, it's not funny. I'm serious.

On my very worst days/moments at school I used to tell myself, "at least I don't work at (let's call this school BIG G)". BIG G is also a first year turnaround and it is my current schools' feeder school. It is ranked as being one of the top 25 worst high schools in the nation. Yes, in the entire nation.

Yesterday afternoon I learned that I am being moved to work at BIG G. I start in a week and a half.

Shock would be an understatement.

sickdayismysalvation

I started Institute in July and started Teaching right after it ended in August. I've been playing grown up for almost six months and today is my first mental health day. You know you've reached a new low when you are caught crying your eyes out after school by 8 staff members and you just can't stop. Then, I came home and cried some more.

My philly biffle and I often joke that we are both in abusive relationships with all of our students. You go to work every day and invest all you have into your students, but in return you get beaten and abused (I hope you understand this is metaphorical). Then, after an 11 hour day you go home and continue to work and your mind wanders to a place where you tell yourself that tomorrow will definitely be better. But it's not. The worst part about all of this is that you begin to replay the days events looking for things you did wrong, making excuses for the way you have been treated.

So then I ask myself, if I believe everybody should be strong enough to remove themselves from abusive situations, why do I stay? I finally understand, you can't help who you care deeply for, and matters of the heart cannot be nursed.

At 10 pm last night I caved, called my principal, and said I needed a sick day. This day is saving me.

Breathe.

Rome was not built in a day. Remember this.

Being a middle school special education teacher in a turnaround school (one which ranked in the top ten worst elementary schools in the whole state of Pennsylvania last year) in a neighborhood listed as one of the top 25 most dangerous neighborhoods in the country is challenging for a plethora of reasons.

As a brand new adult I have made it a priority to become solutions oriented. Thus, with this mindset, I constantly think about what I can do to fight/combat the forces that have worked and currently work against my students. It has been four months and I am still asking myself this question.

Today, in the midst of a mental and emotional breakdown (as a result of receiving some pretty tragic test scores), a very good friend looks at me and says "breathe. Rome was not built in a day."

thankyou.

Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Written by a parent of a child with special needs.

inadequacy

When I started teaching I had a group of twelve very rambunctious (also referred to as looney) third and fourth graders. Two of these students were twins. We can call them C and C. C and C were by far two of the looniest students in our school, known by name, despite them being identical, by most adults in the building.

These two boys hardly ever came to school

When they did come to school they were running around the building (without permission)

They came to school with clothes that were too small (often dirty)

Both boys are at a kindergarten/pre-kindergarten academic level

Both are victims of abuse

Both were born with fetal alcohol syndrome

and I fell in LOVE with these children.

While I don't teach them, it brings me joy to see them in the hallway and it makes my day when they come visit me up on the fourth floor. In such a short period of time, I have seen them grow an immense amount.

This past weekend, one of the boys got hit by a car, will be hospitalized for eight weeks, and is paralyzed.

Being an inner-city school teacher is rough, but in hearing this news, my heart sank. Every day i leave school feeling like I do not have control of anything- behavior, academic achievement, student investment, and the list could go on. Nothing, NOTHING even the worst of days at work, compares to the inadequacy I felt in hearing that my twins were out, unsupervised, playing on a major road, late at night.

The hardest part about this job is not the work it entails, it is leaving work everyday knowing that THIS can happen to our children.

"It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change" - Alice in Wonderland

A few weeks ago I received a care package. It was the best care package I have ever received, EVER. It was so impactful that as I read the card and looked at its contents, I couldn't help but cry a little. An excerpt:

Life is unexpected and things don't always happen as planned, but it's how you react that defines who you are...

This tidbit of advice has served me well in all facets of my life since coming home to this package.

Yes, I go to work every day and within moments of teaching I end up defeated.

Yes, I have never been so tired in my life.

Yes, I often feel alone

BUT then I think of this and it reminds me that I want to be the type of person that can honestly say that regardless of what life throws at me, I can be flexible and I can figure it out.

New Room

Today was the first day in my new classroom. I thought that this change would be great for my students. Finally, they had a space to call their own (regardless of the fact that we are in an office). Let me tell you, I was incorrect. To all my teacher friends- In a 50 minute block my seventh grade class did not complete our DO NOW. Little snapshot into my life.

It has been 15 minutes and we still have not started working on our do now...

It has been 22 minutes and we are not making the progress on our do now that we need to...

(clearly talking over students)

......repeat

......repeat

IT HAS BEEN 45 MINUTES AND I SEE THAT ONLY ONE STUDENT HAS COMPLETED THEIR DO NOW.

not a good sign.

this will get better.

Two in One Special

Bulletin Boards propped up with furniture.

My makeshift whiteboard.

Why a two in one special?

We both teach at the exact time.

(imagine a reading and math class full of emotional support middle schoolers)

Let me tell you, craziness is contagious.

I have been given an office to move in to.

It may be small but at least I'll have four walls?

Take a Break.

...it's a chair that I send students who are struggling with their behavior. I tell them they aren't in trouble, but they need to 'take a break' to re-focus and when they chill out they are able to join us whenever they are ready. Today, my students drove me to take a break IN my classroom DURING class (yes, I actually went and sat in the take a break chair).

Today I became one of those teachers who yells at kids, got caught up in arguing with puberty as a whole, and when the day was over, I had nothing to be proud about. My students did not learn and I was not happy. Wednesday, be better.

The sunshine of my day- one of my students (a seventh grader reading at a first grade level) came up to me and told me he was ashamed of his behavior. My response? "good, you should be, but this shows me tomorrow can be a better day" (I walked away). I like to tell myself that (in the words of my students) in that moment I was indeed swag instead of joe.